Courtesy of Joe Keatinge...

I bring you, finally, the obligatory blogger answer-a-bunch-of-questions thing. I've been pushed over the line by my good friend Joe Keatinge, who is The Man and who works at Image Comics and who posted his own answers on Wholly Barbarian Blues just yesterday.


1. Name someone with the same birthday as you?

Jesus. I just decided to hang out in the womb for about 12 extra hours, is all.


2. Who was your first kiss?

This girl named Rachel Avila from my kindergarten class; she left school for a couple weeks and I wrote her a little valentine 'cause I missed her. When she came back and got it, she french-kissed my hand. And in kindergarten? That made me Boss Pimp.


3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?

I was throwing rocks at an abandoned greenhouse one day. Then it turned out it wasn't abandoned at all, and I had to fuckin' SCRAMBLE out of there.


4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite/same sex?

That's a big yes to both. I used to be in a real scrappy (AKA "asshole") mood all the time. Plus, I posted a story about that in the comments section of Jason Rodriguez' post today.


5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?

My band's name was Bacchus And The Bigots. Which was funny, 'cause my man Bacchus just sorta sat on the side with his guitar and played rhythm. I was the singer and Tyler was the lead guitar, but Bacchus had the coolest name, easy.


6. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?

Opposite - Hair.

Same - Height.


7. What really turns you on?

Enthusiasm, and calm.


8. What do you order at Starbucks?

A cab. To a bar.


9. What is your biggest mistake?

"Hey, we should rent the Space Ghost Coast to Coast DVD! Remember how funny it was in 15-minute doses on late Saturday nights when we were drunk and/or stoned? I bet it'll be even BETTER in a THREE HOUR dose cold sober!"


10. Ever hurt yourself on purpose?

Only with the bottle. Then, sometimes, other people hurt me.


11. Say something totally random about you:

I think I might have an actual farting problem. I do it about a hundred times a day, I think.


12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

I get Jimmy Stewart once in a while. Which is cool, 'cause I know I'm kind of a soft-hearted doofus, deep down under my gritty bandero hide.


13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?

I've got both of the four-disc Looney Toons sets. Can't watch 'em unless I'm alone, though, because something about them freaks Molly out.


14. Did you have braces?

For, like, seven or eight years. The last three, all I needed to do was wear the rubber bands, but I hated them and refused. When I finally started wearing them, the braces came off the very next month.


15. Are you comfortable with your height?

I dig it. I'm not sure exactly what it is - 6' 1"? - but it's about right.


16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite/same sex has done for you?

As a gift, Molly made me a little box one time with a bunch of tiny pieces of rolled up black construction paper. The top of the box said, "I love you because..." and each time I unrolled a piece of paper, there was a reason she loves me written on it in gold and silver ink.

Then last week, a federal judge came into the bar and told me I was "a masturbator's dream." He bought a round for the house, but only on the condition that everyone thought it was from me. Then he tipped me a Jackson.

I sure don't remember Molly ever doing that. What a bitch.


17. How do you know when its love?

I wouldn't know - I've only really been in love once. I'm lucky to have kept that one running for the last six-plus years of my life, but I don't know shit about "how the other half lives," so to speak.


18. Do you speak any other languages?

I've tried and I can't do it. How people learn English when they don't grow up speaking it is beyond me.


19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?

No, but I always thought it sounded fun. Living in foggy, cold Pacifica got to be a little bleak now and then, and in my mind it sounded like you could get in a machine and it'd be just like laying on a towel on the beach in southern California. 'Course, then I realized it was more like getting into a hot coffin.


20. What magazines do you read?

I don't, really... sometimes I'll pick up Newsweek if the cover catches my eye (see yesterday's post). Likewise if there's one of my "favorites" on the cover of Maxim. But that's about it, and before the McCain issue of Newsweek I don't remember the last one I bought.


21. Have you ever ridden in a limo?

I don't remember if we got one for prom. All I remember is the complete disaster prom turned out to be.


22. Has anyone you were really close with passed away?

Grampaw, and a homeless guy named Benjamin Franklin who used to tell me I looked "just like David Boooey!" in my fedora. I miss both those fuckers. Grampaw died of a stroke, washing his hands in the bathroom. Benjamin Franklin died when he was planting dollar bills in the little holes of a manhole cover and a car hit him.


23. Do you watch MTV?

I only ever watch South Park reruns on UPN, anymore.


24. What's something or someone that really annoys you?

My seeming inability to wipe my ass 100% clean.


25. What's something you really like?

A drink when I'm thirsty. Also, Tom Waits. Also, the way Guinness looks when you pour it.


26. Which celebrity would you most like to sleep with?

"Scarlett Johansson recently topped Eva Longoria in this catergory based solely on the trailer for Match Point." -- Sounds like I have a trailer to see. But I'm still gonna have to go with Salma Hayek. No question about it.


27. Can you dance?

You bet your ass I can. With skill? Hell no. With enthusiasm? Fuck yeah.


28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up?

Probably a day or two. I remember, though, there was a sleep deprivation experiment on campus that they said you could get paid mad cash for participating in. I was all excited, but then I got stoned and I missed it.


29. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?

On a bad shroom trip. Everyone else had passed out, and I lay there on top of the sheets, knowing, for sure, that I Was Going To Die Tonight. Awful. I didn't do shrooms again for about three years, and when I did, I got into a four-hour fistfight with the dude who gave 'em to me and ended up thinking I'd killed him. Since then I've stuck to the bottle and the grass.


30. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?

I rode in the ambulance with Molly, the second time she broke her leg. Man, that was fucked up.


31. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?

Only when it's people I know. Nobody else has interesting answers. Except people with serious problems, they can be interesting.